Making Crime Pay in the USA

If financial success is your main goal in life, without compunction about how you make your money, then there is good news for you. For unlike in Russia, where you’d have to marry into an oligarch’s family or kiss Putin’s ass (and even then you’d stand a high chance of falling out of an open window in a tall building), there is a way to unlimited financial success in the USA. Just follow these three simple points.

1. Join the Republican Party.
2. Commit any crime or crimes of your choosing: tax fraud, sex with under-aged children, libel—you name it!—and the Republican Party will close ranks around you and support you. It’s that simple! Whatever laws you break or sins you commit (as understood by evangelicals) you’re as innocent as a lamb and pure as the driven snow. But wait! There’s more!
3. When you are caught (and caught you will be, because to join the GOP these days, you can’t be very bright) go on Fox News(?), whine and say “It’s all lies!” Millions of fellow Republicans with more money than sense will send you cash and cheques faster than you can say “I want to speak to my attorney.”

Finally, do remember this important factor: the US Constitution is best left unread. Therefore it can mean anything you choose it to mean. This also applies to the law codes of every state. So wrap yourself in the Stars and Stripes, proclaim family values and then set about fleecing your family, neighbours, employers/employees and most of all, screw Uncle Sam!