The Graceful Art of not Giving a Shit

I attended a gathering at our neighbours’ house yesterday evening and found myself in a conversation about ageing with some other 70-somethings. I averred that one of the best things about ageing consisted in not giving a shit anymore. But let me qualify that statement with one word in this blog’s title: “Graceful”. Do I give a shit about the war in Ukraine, climate change and growing inequality in the community of nations? Absolutely! I give a shit about those things and more. That’s where grace comes in. Grace is what keeps me from not giving a shit about anything in this world today. Grace is that momentary clutch in our hearts and brains that keeps us from saying things that are gratuitously hurtful, untrue, deceitful, etc. Grace creates the space for compassion and action for the sake of others.

So what is it I don’t I give a shit about? As I like to keep my blogs on the short side I won’t provide an exhaustive list. Let’s consider the BIG one: I don’t give a shit what other people think about me. Their opinions are worth whatever I pay for them. This is the one quality I wish had developed earlier in life. In any case, it is a welcome change for this man who grew up white, Protestant, in the southern US, where speaking the truth–even with grace–was considered impolite. I spent a lot of my earlier life rethinking conversations and wishing I had spoken the truth that was in my heart…but alas. I certainly wouldn’t have taken some of the jobs I did if I had been true to myself. And I wouldn’t have tried to change myself to fit the jobs I had–particularly parish ministry!–a job in which every parishoner seemingly has a different job description for the pastor. But this was equally true of my academic life. I simply didn’t fit–particularly in England. However there are many other jobs and professions which can equally damage the person we know ourselves to be if we have to live and act contrary to our true selves. If you’re reading this, chances are you know what I mean.

For those of you acquainted with The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, my psychological type is INFJ (Introverted Intuition, person/value-focussed, with decisiveness). In Western society my type comprises exactly 1% of men. In short this means I pretty much forge my own path–something which threatens most institutional types, including the church and university. The psychologist we candidates for ministry had to see as part of our preparation for ministry chuckled as he told me that I worked too hard at trying to appear normal! Ah, if only I had known the real implications of that humorous remark at the time. Instead I went through all the contortions required for becoming an ordained minister and then an academic. How I came to envy people whose passions became their paid employment–artists, writers, true entrepreneurs, etc.

A few months after (finally) leaving parish ministry (which was literally killing me) in 1997, I was awarded a British Academy research grant which entailed going to Israel to work with a scholar at Tel-Aviv University, who incidentally became one of my dearest friends. One day when I was sharing some of my work with him, he questioned why I had stated something the way I did. I think I must have said something about wanting to please or keep on the good side of scholars in the UK (where I lived). Shlomo looked at me and asked “Why do you care about the opinions of people you don’t respect?!” He was exactly right. Why should I have cared–not just about the opinions of others–but opinions of people for whom I had little respect?

At its root, not giving a shit is actually about self-knowledge. It is respect for the person one knows oneself to be–rather than trying to live up to other people’s expectations (a zero-sum game)–or worse–their projections. Finally, the graceful art of not giving a shit is not about holding others in contempt or giving ourselves permission to say or do whatever we like. That’s narcissism. Rather, the graceful art of not giving a shit honours the other person, even if we do not like that person or want to spend time around him/her. We can simply walk away in peace. After all, what’s the point in giving a shit?