The Rittenhouse Solution

Are you one of the 1/3 of US citizens who are finding it increasingly difficult to share the same air, water, streets, laws, voting rights–hell, even country!–with people whose skin colour, beliefs, voting tendencies, accents, sexuality, etc. are different from yours? Do you believe that black lives really don’t matter; that police shouldn’t be held accountable for killings such as George Floyd; that black people shouldn’t jog in predominantly white neighbourhoods; that Jews invented the Holocaust, that Covid is fake news and vaccines make you magnetic? If so, then Good News! You can now invoke the Kyle Rittenhouse Solution! That’s right, now you too can pitch up at an offensive synagogue, AME church, LGBTQ rally or legal protest armed with an assault weapon of your choice. All you have to do is take aim at the offensive soon-to-be-victims (Oops! Musn’t use that word!), take aim and, when the worthless scum try to defend themselves (with bare hands, skate boards, Bibles–whatever), you can BLOW THEM AWAY because you are only defending yourself! God save the Second Amendment and God help those who get in your way!

To the other 2/3 of Americans, white vigilantism is now officially sanctioned, so watch out. The defendants in the Ahmaud Arbery murder trail must be rubbing their hands with glee. Their plea of self-defense will now be strengthened by the Rittenhouse Solution. I mean, come on! Three armed white men against a lone black man? Those poor white guys only had a shotgun and a pistol–not much against the strength of character of one lone black man. (Hey, if being white is such a great thing, then why are black men so goddamned scary? Shouldn’t simply being white put one above such petty fears?)

To the other 2/3 of Americans, be careful not to disagree with Trumpublicans–they will take it as an assault on their person/freedom and kill you in self-defense. Don’t argue over parking spaces, Covid masks, vaccines, sports teams…well anything! If you have opinions, don’t express them. The Second Amendment now trumps (pun intended) the First. America is well and truly fucked.

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